A Shot-for-Shot Remake of Whiplash But With Hambone

I bought my first camera in 2007 at Best Buy for $100. It was a tiny plastic camcorder, but it shot in 1080, which was relatively new at the time. I didn’t know anybody who monetized art for a living, but it’s something I always wanted to do. Inspired by Chapelle’s Show, I used the camera to film sketches with my friends. It didn’t age well, but you kinda had to be there to understand mid-2000s edgelord internet comedy. Some of it is truly horrifying, but that was the point. 9/11 messed us up. 

I was unable to monetize my art, but I discovered how to monetize cameras. Technically, this makes me a “commercial artist” but, no, gross. I deeply respect the people who make commercials, the weird art kids, the nerdy gearheads, the grips with carnival ride operator energy, etc. but let’s be real here, most people hate commercials and watching Fortune 500 companies cheaply pimp out brilliant creatives to the point of burnout is crazy depressing. Don’t put "commercial artist” on my obituary. I do it to pay my ever-increasing rent, not because I think it’s important to help CEOs move the needle for their shareholders. 

I built a career as a freelancer by investing in camera equipment and producing content for various small businesses. I had to build out my equipment over time, painstakingly saving money over the years to buy another lens, or a microphone, or a light. My list of clients grew from $150 photo shoots and $300 video shoots. I also got a few businesses to pay a $600/month retainer to basically be their entire marketing and video production team. I went from the Canon T3i, to the 5D, then switched to the Sony A7s ii and have since upgraded to the Sony A7s iii. I’ve always been a one-man band, working lean, trying to get the best out of limited resources my entire career; then I joined Cafeteria Films. 

Now armed with a Sony Fx6, cinematic lenses, and a crew of talented creatives, I knew I had to do something profoundly stupid. We go down a lot of rabbit holes at Cafeteria Films. One week we got really into the art of hambone. We watched clip after clip of old southern white men slapping themselves silly to the amusement of audiences across America. We thought of all the funny ways we could incorporate this into a bit.

- Silence of the Hams.

- Hambone Thugs n Harmony.

- Ham to the Bone.

Fine bits and all, but the option that received the most laughter was “Whiplash but with hambone.” We spitballed the concept for a while; I thought it would be funny if we juxtaposed the serious tone of the film with the silliness of body percussion and the best way to achieve that would be to do a shot-for-shot remake.

I knew to get the look right, I needed to replicate the location. Since our budget was $250, a virtual production was out of the question. I decided to build a set wall that looks like the one used in the film with some discount lumber from a nearby store. I followed a YouTube course on set construction and built it out at the Cafeteria Films office. I’ve never built anything that large before; I can barely put legos together. I was pretty proud that the wall didn’t collapse on anybody mid-shoot.

Brian O’lyaryz played the role of Fletcher and essentially transformed into JK Simmons in a mesmerizing performance to be remembered for the ages. Brian was flying back and forth from LA on a job, memorizing his lines on long plane flights. He’s got the best chops of anyone I know.

Nelson Hernandez played Andrew, a character played by Miles Teller. He spent weeks learning how to hambone and shaved his beard, showing true commitment to the bit. He nailed the role while juggling the responsibilities of fathering a newborn.

Starr Leavitt, despite her non-speaking role, stole the show as Karl, a jealous band member biding her time. I barely rehearsed with her. I just said, “You’re playing Karl, the 2nd chair. He’s seething with jealousy, but also terrified of JK Simmons” and she just absolutely blew everyone away with facial expressions and body language alone.

Reginald Desjardins crushed it, mimicking the movements and facial expressions of a background actor.

J Pezz helped us out on sound. He recorded all the audio tracks with the prefix “PORN” so all my files were labeled PORN01.wav, PRON02wav, etc. I didn’t rename them. Truly brilliant stuff. Robert Catala came through big with the boom on day 2.

Danny Rosenberg matched the lighting and the camera movements flawlessly. I’ve never worked with a camera person more talented than myself, mostly because I worked by myself for most of my career. His talent elevated Hambone from stupid youtube video to a work of cinematic expression.

I’ve always tried to do things myself, but I’ve realized I can do greater things with the help of friends working towards the goal of producing something that is abjectly stupid. This is my proudest live action work to date.